07 June 2011

Diet Songs: Ryvita

Next week I will pay £110 and submit myself to the indignity of the dentist, having cracked a tooth on a seed embedded in a piece of particularly hard German crisp-bread. It's unlikely that I will renounce my crisp-bread habit, despite this setback, I simply won't be without the cardboard-like texture of this fart-producing foodstuff. Spread with butter and jam is my favourite way of ingesting a sheet of crude roughage.

I eschew diet products in general, including joyless self-punishment food marketed mainly to women as a slimming aid (cottage cheese, I'm looking at you). I enjoy plain food, which is where Ryvita comes in and fucks with my stupid food rules. I can handle a rice cake too. I think I accept Ryvita into my cupboard and my tummy because I associate its brand with an earlier era of marketing, it reminds me of products of yesteryear like Bile Beans, which promise 'vim and vigour', or the mysterious 'pep'. Even though the company never had a manufacturing base in Sweden, I also associate Ryvita with 1970 blonde Scandinavian women and therefore porn. Yeah, I don't know why either. It's only when those rotten Fern Britton ads come on the telly that I realise I am eating diet food. Bah, they got me!

Ryvita marks the point where Diet Songs takes a turn for the weird. Lord knows what was going on when we recorded this one. My disjointed vocal track is the least of it, for me it evokes the imaginary sound of a slice of Ryvita making its way through your alimentary canal. Enjoy.

Diet Songs: Ryvita by Charlotte Cooper + Simon Murphy (.mp3, 568kb)

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Emerald said...

It's a diet ad from the Twilight Zone!

I'm partial to Ryvitas now and again, but only the dark rye version. I actually remember, some years ago, when among the '5 great things about Ryvita' on the back of the packet it said, and I quote: 'Each slice has 2 sides: DIMPLES for lots of butter, and FLAT for slimmers.' (For me, obviously, it's dimples every time.)

Charlotte Cooper said...

Dimples for me too.