24 April 2015

SWAGGA: Slowly Without Angst Giant Goddess Attack

It's been about a year since I started dancing with Project O. I am now well-acquainted with five dance studios, a rehearsal basement and a couple of stages. I feel as though I have infiltrated spaces that were previously excluded to me. I have come to know Jamila Johnson-Small and Alexandrina Hemsley, which has brought me nothing but pleasure. I'm getting an idea of how people work in dance and performance (yes, it's not easy). I am meeting other dancers and makers, witnessing and participating in different kinds of work. I am being paid to rehearse, dance and perform for this period and there is a small budget for other things relating to my life as a dancer, like physio. Not surprisingly, my relationship with my body has changed quite a bit over the past months.

Dancing with Project O has been a major life experience for me as a fat person invested in decolonising my body and developing a radical embodied practice/activism based on the liberation of all people. I now see my body as a resource I can trust and through which I can express myself. I have learned to move with a little more depth, strength, imagination. I enjoy the way I am able to move, I'm not afraid of being puffed out, of sweating, of getting tired, I see this as part of my aesthetic. I am more curious about shame when it arises and less fearful of it. I have been given wonderful opportunities and encouraged to experience my body as it is and not within a framework where gracefulness, prettiness, a kind of dancerly expertise must play out in order for my movement to be legitimate. The work of rehearsing is hard and also a joy. I feel both at peace with my body and ready to rock it. I'm very powerful, our choreographers have said this from the start and now I see it too. No wonder dance schools and spaces try to keep people like me out, they really can't handle it.

Because my introduction to dance has been grounded in black feminist class-conscious cripped queerness I am more convinced than ever that fat politics cannot be separate from all forms of anti-oppressive work. That this has been experienced through our bodies and lives colliding and not as abstraction or theory is really thrilling. There is so much potential for richness to come out of these crossover spaces. I'm really aware of this in a week where a black woman has become the focal point for the rage of a fat activist community largely represented by white people, whilst her equally if not more fatphobic white colleagues have managed to slip by, including a powerful media maker who is well-known for her fat hatred.

I am still a fat dancer and fat will likely always be a part of how I perform and am in the world. Unless I get very ill I don't see myself getting thinner any time soon and, if I did, I would have a formerly fat middle-aged body, I would not be reborn as any kind of youthful thin ideal. But the dancer part has become more prominent, I am now interested in what it is to be a dancer, what I can bring to dance with my body and experience. It's still about fat but it's not all just about fat.

Photo: Guido Mencari

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